Pop.

Tonight I had a conversation with a very close friend of mine from home, going over the details of her upcoming wedding. Although she's not getting married until October of 2009, she had - in the span of a 48 hour engagement - booked the church, the pastor, planned a color scheme for bridesmaids' gowns, and already calculated an estimated head count for the reception (between 150-200 invited guests). I spent half an hour on the phone listening to the voice of absolute certainty. Although I am extremely happy for her, as she is a wonderful human being and deserves nothing less than the best, I am completely mind-boggled not only by the prospect of planning an entire wedding, but by the notion of marriage in and of itself. Marriage - maybe an idea not so unlike med school - is something that I've talked about with girlfriends in a hypothetical tone for years. Something that you know is more than likely coming your way sooner or later (perhaps even when you least expect it... like jury duty); an impending life milestone, not necessarily one you want to avoid or dodge from, but one that you wouldn't mind putting off for a few years. Or ten.

To be fair, this is the first of my very close friends that plans on tying the knot in the near future. So my shock is merited to a degree, and it is something I will probably become desensitized to as more and more of my nearest and dearest start changing their relationship statuses on Facebook to 'Engaged.' I certainly don't have an aversion to marriage, I just don't personally care to envision it in my life at this point. It's not a reflection on my current relationship or the potential I think it may have for the future, it's more that I feel like marriage is a firm and permanent shove into adulthood and I just don't feel ready for that. You become a couple and you will never not be anything but a couple (unless of course, someone dies or you get divorced). But ideally, you enter into the kind of partnership where two halves make a whole, and from the day you say 'I do,' how you define yourself and your life is partly determined by that other person (your lobster). I don't think I'm responsible enough or mature enough to take on that kind of commitment. In fact, it's definitely questionable whether I'll ever be at that stage at the rate I feel like I'm going. Obviously, her news has nothing to do with me and all my personal doubts and fears about marriage in general aside, I am delighted that she sounds so content and at peace with this decision. Truly there is something better than a best friend calling to tell you she met a great guy and she thinks there might be something there - its hearing her tell you she is going to spend the rest of her life with him. And then you think of what this means: we are really growing up, we are really getting older whether we like it or not, we are leaving old things behind and starting something new. And then you tell her that you couldn't be happier for her and you really mean it.

A drop in the ocean, a change in the weather, I was praying that you and me might end up together. It's like wishing for rain as I stand in the desert, but I'm holding you closer than most cuz you are my heaven ...